sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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