I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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