Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
