textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
