The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
