The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
