he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
