I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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