Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
