It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
