I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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