We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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