walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
