a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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