So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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