piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
