Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
