He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
