This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize