So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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