Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
