Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
