last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
