I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i need some magic done to my vagina
You ate ashes out of my bong
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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