While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
