the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
