Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
