just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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