come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
