nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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