I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
