If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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