Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
