I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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