May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
