I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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