Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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