I don't usually arrange sex via text message
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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