and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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