Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I would ride that face into the sunset
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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