Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
