ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
