I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
