Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
