i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize