The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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