I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
