DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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