JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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