worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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