my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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