i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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