evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
