you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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