Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
